^ does that say "do drugs"??

I've been residing in my own world for the passed day or so. Yesterday was terrible. I was entranced, stuck in thoughts I shouldn't think and saying things I shouldn't say. Nothing's wrong with being in a seperate world sometimes. But a part of me wanted desperately to leave, and the other part wanted to stay there forever. We talked about death. Mike said that death can't be so bad, considering life is already boring. And then I thought that maybe if I died, I'd stay in my little world forever. But did I want to? Mike came over and held me. I can't hide when something's wrong from him forever. I didn't want him to hold me. I wanted him to let me go, to walk away and leave me there sitting by myself and staring out the window, to leave me behind in that little seperate world. I stayed limp in his arms. I didn't want to return the hug, I didn't want to hold him too. But then I realized he was showing he cared. He actually cared about something that had to do with me. After hearing "Ok, I don't really care," so many times I decided to accept it. I took his arm at least. And I cried. I hate crying. I hate it. I don't like people to know it happens. I don't like doing it. I feel weak when I do, like I'm not good enough. All I wanted was to be back in Hot Topic like I had been on Sunday, talking to that nameless boy with the brown eyes and the good music suggestions. Talking about things that don't matter, and smiling away. I don't know why. I just wanted to. I wanted to be somewhere else, other than that little world and other than here.